Soon the hunter found himself at the top of a very lofty mountain and he wondered where he was. He had never seen the vines look quite like they did here and the air had a different quality to it, was it fresher or more clear here?
Then the hunter found himself in a clearing unlike anything that he had seen before; what was this magical place, he wondered? A mystifying smell hit his nose and he smelled the scent of oranges, sweeter than he had ever smelled before, and he wandered in the direction of that smell. He came to a tree with the largest oranges he had ever seen before and, slowly, he took one down and began to peel it. Surely this has to be too good to be true, he thought to himself.
But as the hunter bit into the fruit, he knew that it wasn't too good to be true and that he had found paradise. The magical tasting fruit made him very thirsty and he wandered over to the lake that he saw to his right. The lake sparkled in the light and was as clear as crystal; one could see all the way to the bottom and see all of the fish swimming around and playing with each other. He bent down to take a drink and as soon as the water touched his lips, he felt a new man. He was more awake and his brain felt as sharp as it had in his young adult years. As he stood, he immediately felt that his muscles were stronger and all of the aches and pains he once felt had suddenly disappeared.
Image of Split-Level Clear Lake in OR
Source: Flickr
The hunter knew that he needed to tell his family and people of this magical place and so he went to the trees and gathered some fruit in his arms to bring back to share with them. He began to walk away, but as soon as he crossed through the vines away from the place the fruit disappeared from his hands. In that moment, the hunter knew that he would never be able to share this place with his people, as it was supposed to be only a refuge to those who need it.
Author's Note: This story was written based on the story The Enchanted Mountain from the Folklore of Loas Unit from Loas-Folklore by Katherine Neville Fleeson, with photographs by W.A. Briggs (1899). The story described a place, much like the Garden of Eden is described, that was a refuge for hunters within the jungle. The place could only be found by weary hunters and no animals could be killed there and no fruit could leave there. When I read the story, I thought of what the first person to discover this felt like and that what I decided to write my story on. I used a third person story teller point of view and tried to tell the story how I imagined the oral folk tale was told out loud. I used the words magical and mystical to describe how unexplainable the place was.
Okay I like the story and all of your descriptions! My main suggestion would be to explain more about the magical place. Why is it there? Also, I would add an antagonist or more jeopardy. Give the magical place meaning. I can tell you have a great creative writing style. So, just think of a couple of ways to incorporate more information so the reader has something to root for. That is just a suggestion. I am not a writing professor lol
ReplyDeleteHello Ann,
ReplyDeleteI really like how you portrayed your story. It was very easy to picture this magical place, and you did a great job showing us how the hunter felt. I agree with Ben in that you may want to add more about the magical aspects of the story. It never hurts to have more detail! For example, you could throw in a waterfall that is over 50 feet tall and leads to a river that is surrounded by exotic fruit trees. Your story was fantastic though!